Satin Can Mow Our Lawn

Today we found Satin in VERY tight jeans, a casual, Old Navy looking shirt (stripes are in, bitches) and some “sneakers”, providing us an in-depth report from the Howard County fair. Did anyone notice the belt? We’ll start there… yes, it’s that Spartacus number she wore before. Does she not know that her belt and her shoes should kinda “match” – if not in color, then in style?? You can’t wear Bobo Payless trainers and some big-ass gladiator belt and think you’re going to look good. Seriously, Lady Gaga wouldn’t even try that one – Marge from Sam’s Club would but she would at least match her “YES DUMMY, I WORK HERE!” blue vest with her Bobo Payless trainers!

So, the producers made the decision to throw our fearless reporter on a riding mower – in this outfit. It’s just awkward, people. Are you feeling this? It’s like someone telling an off-color joke about (enter your non-PC category here) – it’s not horrible and yet forgettable, maybe even excusable, but awk-ward! This isn’t news. It doesn’t even feel like adults are in charge here.

And now we move on to the second image that has been burned in our brains - Satin standing next to the Three Neon Stooges. Apparently these guys won the “tug-of-war” last year. When asked what they do to prepare for the event, the skinny neon Stooge stated, “Eat a lot”. Now that’s some hard-hitting reporting there. But we noticed that Satin was drawn to their neon vest like a ship to the Siren’s song.

Square in your ship's path are Sirens, crying
beauty to bewitch men coasting by;
woe to the innocent who hears that sound!

She wants one of those vests… bad. And she’d probably match it with that goddamn skinny belt, a satin skirt and some duck boots.

It's Getting Hot in Herr

Konichiwa bitches.

To reinterpret a quote from the frumpy, disheveled poet Bob Dylan – “it doesn’t take a weatherman to know that it’s hot as Dejebus out there”. There aren’t enough margaritas in Mexico or all of the TGIFridays combined to numb you up enough to tolerate this stifling heat... but we’ll try. In other words, it’s friggin hot - which kinda makes watching the weather a bit depressing. A malaise falls over us when we hear that it’s 100F but feels like 105F. Hot is hot people. Speaking of hot... check out this little number Satin was sporting.

We start off with a little cotton skirt. Understated but perfect to highlight one’s tan. We have a tuck and some blousing here but all and all, not so bad. But let us move on to the suggestive, sassy and sheer peaches-n-cream colored sleeveless blouse. Is that a wife-beater under there, a sports bra? It’s so mysterious – will we ever know what is reveled behind that proverbial kimono? We just love the fact that it’s sheer – totally appropriate for television. Seriously, are we crazy or should sheer fabrics be saved for a "Showgirls" movie night or the average "professional dancer" named Raven or Cee Cee or Genesis?

We love bourbon. Satin loves bourbon balls.

Listen up bitches… news flash… Satin has been doing cooking segments! Who knew? We had no idea. Sure, let her interview the Ravens cheerleaders and talk about their hair. OK, let’s have Satin do the “Elmo on Ice” segment - but who green-lighted Satin cooking on the air? Cooking? What the hell… is she going to be doing a segment about replacing your transmission next?

The first thing we noticed is that she’s cooking with booze. People… this might explain a lot. She’s a girl after our own heart. Look at this clip! She’s cooking with Jim Beam! Next we’ll find out that she was a roadie for Guns and Roses in 1997.
Watch the clip - once you get past her usage of bourbon (generous pour) and the over usage of the word “balls”, which made us giggle ever goddamn time, take a gander at the outfit/costume she chose to BAKE in…

It’s not only a dress… it’s a silky, embroidered dress with, all together now, that fing skinny black belt! This is something you wear to “Terry from Human Resources” retirement happy hour. This is a dress found, multiple times, at the “Cougars Now 2010!” convention and probably a fancy, popular number at any “formal” evening on any Carnival Cruise ship. Are you picking up what we are putting down? SHE’S BAKING, PEOPLE!! BAKING! Not doing the electric slide with a goddamn appletini in her well-manicured, clutched paw! BAKING… baking balls!

Watch the part where she rolls the balls and try not to snicker… we dare you! And try not to “snarf” your cocktail when she casually mentions that she likes her balls bigger.

Video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NifXa4BmamQ

Sandy Takes Up Golf, S&M

For months, nay over a year we have been asking, nay begging, Satin to get new accessories. We can only comment on that fing skinny little belt soo many times. That belt got used more than LiLo being passed around the ladies prison like a human loofah.

So, through the sound of the morning blender, we spy Satin promoting the newly renovated public driving range… wearing a belt you would find in a Swedish bondage film. “Hmmm let’s see (looks in closet)… I have to do that golf segment… how about this t-shirt, these tight jeans, this bondage belt and this leather hood. PERFECT!” Maybe a producer stepped in and nixed the leather hood?

Satin, we appreciate the effort but you’re golfing, not choking someone out and smashing their face in cranberries. Baby steps, darling. Baby steps.

Olive Garden - Big Salads, Phalic Advertising

Is it me or is this commercial just "wrong"? Maybe I should just lighten up on the cough syrup and the Chardonnay.

Satin Launches Fashion Line; Drab Coats, Glossy Dresses

This morning we awoke from a quiet evening of white wine, various cheeses and a role playing game called “Thunder Pony” (don’t’ ask) to find, what we thought was Satin unveiling her new line of dresses and coats at Greenspring Station. Notice the quality fabric choices; the modern yet classic patterns. Observe, if you can, the way her line tells a story… grips you with a narrative - designs Valentino would give his well manicured right arm for…

And then the morning haze lifted and we realized that Satin was covering a “trunk show” at Greenspring Station with soccer mom models. Seriously, are they models or women in a witness protection program? Is the woman to the right, in the Granny coat, really connected or associated with anything to do with fashion?!? Or did she just finish giving the traffic report? Puuuuuulllease! I hope she got something free or great parking when she bought that thing.

Seriously! Look at these dresses! Good Old Frosty Tips, over to the far left, looks like she’s wearing a goddamn fish tank. The one in the middle undoubtedly knows her way around an Appletini and that shiny mess of a dress has been to one too many “galas”.

And the piece de resistance – our hand model/tranny to Satins left. She’s a peach, that one. What is the pattern on that dress? A depiction of the Battle of 1812? A dragon?

Trunk show? Really?

Coco is rolling in her goddamn grave right now!

Blouse Hut Clearance Sale

Generally, a standard white blouse has a specific bottom hem – a “square cut” i.e. a straight friggin’ line. So, Satin, being Satin, walks into Blouse Hut, briskly rushes past the alluring Siren song of the satin blouse clearance rack, strait to the “Standard White Blouse” area. As she flips through, “got it… got it… WAIT ONE MINUTE…!” she finds a white blouse that has the most interesting bottom hem. The word “interesting” doesn’t do it justice. It’s … unique.

People, it’s a friggin table cloth our Grandmother had on her side table in her foyer. Or it’s a blouse Satin used to wear when she was a hostess at Friendly’s and somehow got all of the Jim Dandy stains out of it. Either way… well look at it! It’s just wrong wrong wrong! Show off the guns, we get it. Slim cut, we get it. BUT THE BOTTOM OF THAT BLOUSE??!!

We do NOT get it.